Grandma holding me at her apartment when I was little.
“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited...And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.” - Lemony Snicket
Grandma holding Ella.
My Grandma Elsie died on June 11, 2014. She died almost 2 weeks after my high school graduation. Yesterday would have been her 89th birthday. I miss her so much. I spent the last 48 hours of her life at her side in hospice. I held her hand. I combed her hair. I sat with her. I cried, laughed, shared memories with other family members, and sometimes just sat still thinking. I was there when she took her last breathe.
Grandma and I at my piano recital.
Sometimes I am still in shock. I don't understand. I think about all the things she'll miss - my college graduation, my wedding, her grandchildren, and so many more memories. I wonder why. She looked so good at my graduation. She was so happy. She loved every second. And all of a sudden, she had a stroke. She was paralyzed on her left side. She couldn't talk. It doesn't seem fair. But then, I remember a miracle that happened when she was in the hospital.
When Grandma Elsie was in the ICU, my brother asked to talk to her alone. We all knew that she wasn't a Christian. And, he wanted to talk to her about Jesus. I don't know what he said. I just know that afterward he felt at peace and that she was going to go to Heaven.
Grandma, Nicky and I
The next day, our Pastor came to see her in the hospital. He talked to her about Jesus again. At one point, He asked her, "Elsie, do you trust Jesus?" And, she did something that I will never forget as long as I live. She couldn't speak. She couldn't open her eyes. And yet, she nodded. She nodded that she trusted Jesus. In a cold hospital room, with all the cards stacked against her, she finally understood her need for Jesus.
Grandma and I at her 85th birthday party.
I was angry. I thought life was unfair. I just didn't understand why she died so suddenly. But, now I realize, God gave her grace that day. He didn't let her die all alone from the stroke. He gave her an extra week to be with us before she died. He didn't let her die in excruciating agony. He gave her a kind nurse in her final hours to give her medicine for the pain. But most importantly, He gave her a last chance to accept His Son. He loved her so much that He sent His only Son to die for her so that she could go to Heaven. And, He gave us peace and the chance to know for sure where she went when she died. It's absolutely amazing to me.
I miss my Grandma Elsie every day. I'm sure I will always miss her although the pain will fade in time. But, I know because of Ecclesiastes 3:1-4, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance." I can look forward to the day where I walk into Heaven's gates and see her shining face looking back at me. I can't wait to tell her all about the way God used me the rest of the my life. And most of all, I am excited to stand beside her and praise God together. I can only imagine what that will be like.
Dear Future Husband, I don't know who you are. Maybe I know you already or maybe we have not met yet. Sometimes waiting can seem like forever. I hope that you are being patient and waiting for me as well. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Sometimes it is hard to trust in a God that I can't see. But, I know this verse is true.
You should know. Sometimes I have a hard time getting up in the morning. But, tea can make it all better (English breakfast tea is my favorite). I love to read and write. However, math is sometimes my enemy. There will be days where I will want to go out with our friends or walk around town. There will be other days where I will need a break from people and will want to stay home. Sometimes it is a struggle - this personality between extrovert and introvert. However, I love helping people. I'm going to nursing school because I want to show God's love to others, even in the darkest of times.
Love. It is more than a feeling. It is the act of every day selflessly giving to others. In a marriage, this selfless love will be tested all the time. We are sinful human beings. We need God to help us in this endeavor. As my future husband, I hope that you will (in God's strength) lead me and our family in this selfless love. You don't have to perfect. I won't be perfect. But, we will become one in this selfless process. It requires both of us to submit to God daily so that we can be selfless to each other.
Children. I pray that you will help me raise our children in the ways of the Lord. I want our kids to know that they are unconditionally loved - by us and their Creator. Psalm 139:14 says, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." They are precious. They are gifts. There will be days when our patience is fried. There will be days when we will want to raise our voices and say vicious things, even if we don't really mean them. Please keep me accountable and I will do the same to you. I don't want yelling in our house. It does no good. Words have so much power. Angry/demeaning words can leave so many scars. Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." However, uplifting/caring words can bring hope and change. I have had a dream since I was young to adopt. I would love to adopt children who are in great need, like from foster care. I would also like to have biological children. If we were to do these two things, we will have to be very careful with our words. Of course, I know that God's plan is perfect. And, that brings me to my next point...
Pray. Prayer is more powerful than we will ever know. It is our chance to talk to the God of the universe. How amazing is that? Romans 12:12 says, "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Please pray with me and for me as I do the same. In every circumstance, we should pray first: during/after our wedding, through new jobs, rough days, children, at night, in the morning, on the phone, through deaths, for others, at church, and so much more. I want to see a revival in myself and the people around me and I believe that starts with prayer. Our marriage will struggle if we don't put God first. Let's pray before that happens.
Gentleness. I believe that there are times for strength and righteous anger. However, often the strength of a Godly man is shown through gentleness. The truth is, we are different for a reason. As a woman, I need a husband who will protect me physically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually. That doesn't mean I am weak. There is a difference. However, God knows this need for gentleness. He displays it in the way He comforts widows and welcomes children.
Convictions. We will each have our convictions. We may agree on some and not on others. However, it is important to not ask each other to compromise our convictions, within reason. For example, I am striving to live a pure life, in Christ. I will not compromise that. And, I pray that this is a conviction that we will both have as followers of Christ. Another example of a conviction that I have is drinking. I will not drink underage. It is a personal conviction and believe that God is calling me to it. Sometimes each other's convictions will seem silly. However, I believe it is important to help each other stand in them through Jesus.
Identity. Our identities should never be found in each other. Our identities should be in the Lord at all times. It has been a struggle for me to place my identity in God instead of others. However, the more I lean on God and trust Him with my identity and heart, the more I find peace in His arms. I pray that you will remind me when I forget that my identity is found in Christ, as is yours.
Taken from http://www.happywivesclub.com/successful-marriage-2/
Above all, Christ must be first. You will not be able to love me unless you love God with all of your heart. I know that we hear that all the time in church. However, it is so true. Right now, I am not ready to get married. I know that because there are days when Christ is not first in my priorities, decisions, dreams, and thoughts. We will never be perfect. However, it is a process of putting God first - a daily surrender. If we are not both daily surrendering to Christ, we will not be unified in marriage. It is just that simple.
Wherever you are, I'm praying for you. It doesn't matter where you've been. It doesn't matter what you've done. It doesn't matter if I meet you next week or 10 years from now. God will bring us together. For now, I will continue to wait and be patient.
"If you think about it, the world is like a big painting that God made." "We are all unique...like different colored grains of sand." "I need God. Sometimes I don't realize that I need Him...but then I remember." "I think that Jesus would want me to give everyone a second chance." "People learn about God in different ways. For me, I learn about Him through art projects." "Let me think of a hypothetical situation where I could be like Jesus to my friends and family."
God works in mysterious ways. He often teaches me what I need to learn in the most surprising times. Last week, I helped out with my 5th Vacation Bible School (VBS). For the last 4 years, I have moved up with a particular class. I started with them when they were in 1st grade and this year they were in 4th grade. There is a specific girl in the class that I have had every year.
This year, she didn't participate in rec. So, I brought in crafts. We did art projects all week. It was one of my favorite parts of each day. And, over the course of the week, I got to see a piece of her heart. The quotes are hers. We often don't give children enough credit. There is a reason why God commanded us to have childlike faith. Children can see the world through God's eyes often easier than adults. They trust. They love. They see people as unique. They don't care about race. They see people as God's creation. How often do we ask God to show us the world through His eyes? I almost missed it. I almost handed her a piece of chalk to play by herself while I was with the other kids playing the particular rec game. But God lead me to put down the checklists, the plans, and to just sit and talk with a girl who was ready to be open. He lead me to bring in crafts and watch His handiwork in this girl's life.
We often miss a lot by not trusting God with childlike faith. This time, I trusted. I need to do that more. I need to be open to the unexpected. I need to be transparent. I need to be ready to serve with all my heart at God's leading.
When we do particular evangelistic outreaches, we often think, "I wonder how many people will get saved?" Although this is very important, sometimes evangelism is relationship orientated. I really noticed that this last week. I have watched my class grow so much over the last 4 years. When they were in first grade, I prayed for this specific girl. I still have the journal entry from the first year asking God for her salvation. But, God's timing is always perfect, even when it is hard to see. She never accepted Christ at VBS. She asked Jesus to be the Lord of her life at some other time, probably with her parents. That is amazing. She is a true daughter of the King regardless of where she accepted Christ. However, I got to plant some seeds in her life. Last week, I was blessed with the ability to see some of the results. Sometimes we don't get to see what happens. Sometimes we just have to trust God and plant the seeds, knowing that He has everything under control.
Pic from http://centerpointcf.com/ministries/missions/
We are called to share the good new of Christ. Will we follow the command with childlike faith? Or will we stubbornly demand God for answers? Will we trust that God will help us to plant the seeds and let Him do the changing? Or will we miss what He is calling us to do? I am going to try to listen more to God's leading. I am going to focus on loving people instead of 'saving them.'
Taken from http://www.lovethispic.com/image/29256/you-cannot-save-people
"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." - Gandhi
Have you ever walked into a church and felt unwanted? Judged? Ignored? Unwelcome? I have. Unfortunately, I think that is one of the main things that turns a person away from Christianity. I'm not here to name names. I'm not here to make someone feel bad. I'm not talking about anyone in particular. I'm just going to share how I almost walked away from my faith in the hopes that it might help someone who's questioning hang on for just a little bit longer.
I grew up in a Christian home. I knew all of the answers. I knew how to play the part. In my soul, I wanted to be a Christian. And, I was. God was my everything. But, as the years went on, I felt lost and I didn't know if this faith was worth it anymore.
I had my struggles. I had my secrets. I did a lot of things that I was/am not proud of. I was broken and hurting. I didn't understand why I didn't feel the "peace that surpasses all understanding." I looked around the church and I felt so small. Why couldn't I be a normal Christian teen? Why couldn't I have it all together like everyone around me? Why did I have to be the weird one? I looked at the smiles of people who lifted their hands in every circumstance and I wondered why I was the only one who sometimes felt God far away.
I met many Christians over the years. Some Christians were real. But most of these Christians only pretended to care about me. They were more interested in gossipping in the name of prayer than helping a sister in Christ. Eventually, I realized that I didn't want to be one of these "Christians." I hated the fakeness. Sure, I knew that some people were real. But, I found that they were few and far between.
I got to the point where I told someone that I was about ready to walk away from the faith altogether. This person encouraged me to surround myself with people who were real. This person reminded me that everyone has struggles, no matter how they appear on the surface.
"Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade"
"Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns
I got to the point where I didn't think of myself as a believer. I knew God existed. But, I didn't trust His love. I felt too far gone. I also knew that I had done so many things wrong in my life. And no matter what I did, it felt impossible to change. No matter how many times I prayed to God to take away my burdens, it seemed He wasn't there.
I was so angry and bitter. I hated God. I didn't realize I hated God. I would have never said that. But, that's what was in my heart.
I went to Flower City Workcamp over Spring Break 2014. I can't even tell you how it happened. But, throughout the course of the week, God started to break down my walls. All the pain that I had hid for so long, He started to heal. I started to be able to trust Him. I didn't have to hide it anymore. I had a God who cared. And He's changed my life.
No one's perfect. Sometimes life is hard. But, I have a God who was tortured and died for me. If I keep trying to fight the imperfections of this world on my own, I'm rejecting His sacrifice. The truth is, I would be nothing without Him. Without Him, I fell into a pit of despair. I tried things to take away the pain that did nothing but hurt me more. I was fading. I had no hope. The truth is, God rescued me from myself. He broke the chains that threatened to tear me apart.
We all have doubts and secrets. We're not perfect. It takes courage to place your trust in a God you can't see. It can be hard if you think you are the only one struggling. But let me tell you, you are not the only one struggling behind closed doors. It can be hard to want to be a follower Christ if you feel rejected by other Christians. But Jesus is not a Christian. Let me say that again. Jesus is not the same person as the Christian who bullied you, the Christian who was a hypocrite, the Christian who played the holy sinner. Jesus is perfect. He is everything you're looking for. Don't judge Him because of the imperfections you see in this world. We're all just trying to find our place. And the only way you're going to find peace is through Jesus.
Maybe you feel lost. Hopeless. Unwanted. Alone. Stupid. Worthless. But, God loves you more than you can imagine. He wants to know your hopes, dreams, secrets, pain. He wants you to come to Him and find rest. You're never too far gone for Jesus to save you. I wish I could say that my life is perfect now. I wish I could say that I never worry anymore, never stress, never cry alone behind closed doors, never have sleepless nights. But, that would be a lie. When you become a Christian, your life isn't magically perfect. But, you are perfected daily through Jesus in your attitudes and reactions to the imperfect world around you. It's a process. A slow and sometimes painful process. God chisels you into a new creation - someone who can be a light to the people around you. We will never be perfect in this life. But, through a willing heart of an imperfect person, Christ is glorified. It's by God's grace that you are saved.
If you're searching for hope, don't shun Jesus because you feel too far gone. He is more powerful than you could ever imagine. Nothing is impossible with God. Don't shun Jesus just because you don't like the hypocrisy in the church. The reality is that every Christian needs to be revived by Jesus. We need to be revived daily. We can't do anything on our own. No matter if you've been a Christian for 30 years or are just starting to learn about it, Jesus wants to revive you. He wants to give you hope. He wants to mold you into the person He wants you to be. And, in the process, He wants to fuel you so that you can help others.
Two days ago, I graduated high school. Next year, I'm going to school at Malone University in Canton, Ohio. I am so blessed. But, something is missing.
Over a year ago, I went to the Dominican Republic (DR). In the DR, poverty is abundant. Many families don’t have enough to eat and their kids run around with no clothes or shoes. My heart broke for the people there and I saw poverty in its truest form. They didn’t have clean water. The kids had swollen bellies from malnutrition. I saw families of nine or ten members sharing a one-room hut. I saw garbage everywhere. I saw many untreated wounds and illnesses. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I always knew that poverty like that existed but it’s another thing altogether to come face to face to it. It’s heartbreaking. Ever since then, all I have wanted to do is go and help people in extreme poverty, wherever God leads.
My brother is going to Africa next school year to help in an orphanage. The trip is with his school. Ever since I heard about it, I've been wishing to drop everything and just go with them. A couple days ago, one of my brother's teachers invited me to go with them. But, I had to say that I couldn't because I would be in college.
In this second, I thought, "God, don't you want me to go to Africa and help these people? All I want to do is serve you. Why isn't it working out?"
Last week, I picked up the book, "Kisses from Katie." It is Katie Davis' autobiography. Katie Davis was a typical high school senior girl. She had everything: a family, boyfriend, material goods. She was even crowned prom queen at her school. However, she felt called to Uganda. So, she dropped everything and followed that call. She is now living in Uganda, runs Amazima Ministries, adopted 14 children, and cares for widows and orphans all day long. Again, I thought, "God, why can't I do this? All I want is to serve you. I want to give all of myself and to make a difference in the lives of these people."
Today, in her book, I read, "We wanted to teach them [orphaned children] of Jesus who died for them, for all of us. I didn't believe it was possible to tell a child about the love of Christ without simultaneously showing her that love by feeding her, clothing her, inviting her in. If a child has never known what love is, how can we expect him to accept the love of his Savior until we first make that love tangible?"
And that is when it hit me. God doesn't want me to keep asking Him why I can't go to Africa or the Dominican Republic right now. He doesn't want me to keep wishing for the future - for when I'm done with college, pass my nursing boards, get some experience, and finally move to a third world country. No, He wants me to love now. Sometimes the people in America seem fake, materialistic, and pathetic. But, just because they have material goods, that doesn't mean they understand God's love any more than an orphaned child in Africa.
I am not in a third world country right now because God wants me here. Romans 12:1 says, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship."
God wants my life. He wants my heart, attitudes, goals, hopes, dreams. He wants me to offer my life to Him - for His will and not mine. My will is to drop everything and move to a third world country. His will is for me to be patient and to go to college like He provided. My will is to go embrace people of a different culture and leave behind all the fakeness of my own. His will is for me to be a light and to love here. My will is to skip all of His plans for me now and to go to the future. His will is for me to grow more like His Son.
The Bible doesn't talk very much about Jesus' life growing up and before ministry. But, I have to believe that He wasn't constantly asking God, "Why can't I perform miracles now?" He focused on His Father and did God's will. I want to be like Jesus. I want to love without restraint. I want to spend each waking hour constantly listening to the will of God. I want to come home breathless and exhausted because I took time out of my busy schedule to love people - the people around me now.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." ~1 Corinthians 13: 4-7~
Love is listening to a junior high girl at youth group talk about her cello lessons and the new song she is learning, and actually caring. Love is letting my 89-year-old great uncle tell me stories that don't quite make sense to me, but make sense to him. Love is picking up the pencil that my brother dropped while running out to catch his bus. Love is smiling at the young cashier at Wegmans who has her share of bad customers. Love is stopping to help a young mother at church by picking up the pacifier that her toddler spit out when I'm already late for service. Love is being open to the unexpected. Love is slowing down. Love is listening, teaching, helping, praying, weeping, laughing with the people all around.
I want to be accessible. I want to show God's love in a materialistic country where all the people are secretly hurting. I want to be real and transparent. I want to serve with all my heart right here and now. I want to be so full in Christ and service that I am content now - even in America. I'm not sure if God will ever call me to move to a third world country. But, I know that He is calling me to serve now. He wants me to show love to the people around me so that they will understand His perfect love. I'm not perfect. But, I am willing to serve with all my heart. Jesus saved my life. And he has been changing me ever since. I want to do His will for as long as I live. And, tomorrow is not guaranteed. As Christians, we are called to live like Christ. Christ spent time loving people. He lived each second for His Father's will. He sacrificed everything for us. Shouldn't we put down the checklists and goals long enough to listen to the Lord's leading? Shouldn't we love people for real instead of pretending we care?
Picture an orchestra. There are many parts that work together to create beautiful music. There is a conductor, musicians, and instruments. Life is very much like an orchestra. Jesus Christ is the conductor. He leads us and is in control of the music (our life). The Holy Spirit nudges us in the right direction just like a musician leads an instrument. Without the musician's steady hand, the instrument cannot create music on its own. It is a worthless vessel. In the same way, we cannot do anything without God.
John 15:5 says,"I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."
Are you letting God be your conductor? Are you allowing the Holy Spirit to urge you in the right direction? Or are you becoming a worthless vessel?
The key to allowing God to use you is abiding in Him. But, how do we abide in Christ? The answer...is we must listen. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."
Notice that this verse doesn't say, "Always pray and ask God for things." No, it says that we need to rejoice always, pray continually, and give thanks. It's God's will.
When Jesus came to earth, He did God's work. All of His words and actions were of His Father's. Jesus exemplified this verse. He rejoiced always, prayed continually, and gave thanks in all circumstances. He listened to His Father and obeyed in everything. He was constantly in communion with God so that He could do His Father's will. He abided in Him. He listened. He waited. He followed even into torture and death.
In order to be used by God, we must abide in Him like Jesus did. We must listen. The relationship with God cannot be all about us. If all I ever do in my life is ask God for what I want, that is not a relationship. That is using God. God is perfect. He is all powerful. He is everything. Do we honestly think we're big enough to try to use God - that there won't be consequences if we attempt to do that? I think sometimes we put God in a box and underestimate His wrath. The reality is, it's by His grace that we are even alive.
We need Him in every area our lives. He upholds us. His breath is in our lungs. He holds our beating hearts. John 15:7 says,"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you."
When we remain in Christ, our lives are transformed. It's not an over night thing. He changes and molds us into the person He wants us to be. It takes time. But, it's during this time that we start to want His will. We want to obey Him. The key in this verse is not that He will give us whatever we want, whatever that may be. The key is we will get what we want because it will be His will. We will want to be used by God when we abide in Him. And He will use us.
In America, our lives become all about us. We want everything for ourselves. We are selfish. We think that if we stand on our own, we will be happy. We think if we succeed by the world's standards, we will find joy. That is a lie. We will only be happy when we abide in Christ and follow in His will. If we're not following God, we're following the Devil. It's as simple as that. There is no middle ground. You can't serve two masters. So who are you going to follow?
Picture from http://www.pletz.com/blog/orquestra-sinfonica-de-sorocaba-toca-na-hebraica/
