Why I Almost Walked Away from My Faith

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." - Gandhi

Have you ever walked into a church and felt unwanted? Judged? Ignored? Unwelcome? I have. Unfortunately, I think that is one of the main things that turns a person away from Christianity. I'm not here to name names. I'm not here to make someone feel bad. I'm not talking about anyone in particular. I'm just going to share how I almost walked away from my faith in the hopes that it might help someone who's questioning hang on for just a little bit longer.

I grew up in a Christian home. I knew all of the answers. I knew how to play the part. In my soul, I wanted to be a Christian. And, I was. God was my everything. But, as the years went on, I felt lost and I didn't know if this faith was worth it anymore.

I had my struggles. I had my secrets. I did a lot of things that I was/am not proud of. I was broken and hurting. I didn't understand why I didn't feel the "peace that surpasses all understanding." I looked around the church and I felt so small. Why couldn't I be a normal Christian teen? Why couldn't I have it all together like everyone around me? Why did I have to be the weird one? I looked at the smiles of people who lifted their hands in every circumstance and I wondered why I was the only one who sometimes felt God far away.

I met many Christians over the years. Some Christians were real. But most of these Christians only pretended to care about me. They were more interested in gossipping in the name of prayer than helping a sister in Christ. Eventually, I realized that I didn't want to be one of these "Christians." I hated the fakeness. Sure, I knew that some people were real. But, I found that they were few and far between.

I got to the point where I told someone that I was about ready to walk away from the faith altogether. This person encouraged me to surround myself with people who were real. This person reminded me that everyone has struggles, no matter how they appear on the surface.

"Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade"
"Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns

I got to the point where I didn't think of myself as a believer. I knew God existed. But, I didn't trust His love. I felt too far gone. I also knew that I had done so many things wrong in my life. And no matter what I did, it felt impossible to change. No matter how many times I prayed to God to take away my burdens, it seemed He wasn't there.

I was so angry and bitter. I hated God. I didn't realize I hated God. I would have never said that. But, that's what was in my heart.

I went to Flower City Workcamp over Spring Break 2014. I can't even tell you how it happened. But, throughout the course of the week, God started to break down my walls. All the pain that I had hid for so long, He started to heal. I started to be able to trust Him. I didn't have to hide it anymore. I had a God who cared. And He's changed my life.

No one's perfect. Sometimes life is hard. But, I have a God who was tortured and died for me. If I keep trying to fight the imperfections of this world on my own, I'm rejecting His sacrifice. The truth is, I would be nothing without Him. Without Him, I fell into a pit of despair. I tried things to take away the pain that did nothing but hurt me more. I was fading. I had no hope.

The truth is, God rescued me from myself. He broke the chains that threatened to tear me apart.

We all have doubts and secrets. We're not perfect. It takes courage to place your trust in a God you can't see. It can be hard if you think you are the only one struggling. But let me tell you, you are not the only one struggling behind closed doors. It can be hard to want to be a follower Christ if you feel rejected by other Christians. But Jesus is not a Christian. Let me say that again. Jesus is not the same person as the Christian who bullied you, the Christian who was a hypocrite, the Christian who played the holy sinner. Jesus is perfect. He is everything you're looking for. Don't judge Him because of the imperfections you see in this world. We're all just trying to find our place. And the only way you're going to find peace is through Jesus.

Maybe you feel lost. Hopeless. Unwanted. Alone. Stupid. Worthless. But, God loves you more than you can imagine. He wants to know your hopes, dreams, secrets, pain. He wants you to come to Him and find rest.

You're never too far gone for Jesus to save you.

I wish I could say that my life is perfect now. I wish I could say that I never worry anymore, never stress, never cry alone behind closed doors, never have sleepless nights. But, that would be a lie. When you become a Christian, your life isn't magically perfect. But, you are perfected daily through Jesus in your attitudes and reactions to the imperfect world around you. It's a process. A slow and sometimes painful process. God chisels you into a new creation - someone who can be a light to the people around you. We will never be perfect in this life. But, through a willing heart of an imperfect person, Christ is glorified.

It's by God's grace that you are saved.

If you're searching for hope, don't shun Jesus because you feel too far gone. He is more powerful than you could ever imagine. Nothing is impossible with God. Don't shun Jesus just because you don't like the hypocrisy in the church. The reality is that every Christian needs to be revived by Jesus. We need to be revived daily. We can't do anything on our own. No matter if you've been a Christian for 30 years or are just starting to learn about it, Jesus wants to revive you. He wants to give you hope. He wants to mold you into the person He wants you to be. And, in the process, He wants to fuel you so that you can help others.

Will you let Him in?

Here and Now

Two days ago, I graduated high school. Next year, I'm going to school at Malone University in Canton, Ohio. I am so blessed. But, something is missing.

Over a year ago, I went to the Dominican Republic (DR). In the DR, poverty is abundant. Many families don’t have enough to eat and their kids run around with no clothes or shoes. My heart broke for the people there and I saw poverty in its truest form. They didn’t have clean water. The kids had swollen bellies from malnutrition. I saw families of nine or ten members sharing a one-room hut. I saw garbage everywhere. I saw many untreated wounds and illnesses. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I always knew that poverty like that existed but it’s another thing altogether to come face to face to it. It’s heartbreaking. Ever since then, all I have wanted to do is go and help people in extreme poverty, wherever God leads.

My brother is going to Africa next school year to help in an orphanage. The trip is with his school. Ever since I heard about it, I've been wishing to drop everything and just go with them. A couple days ago, one of my brother's teachers invited me to go with them. But, I had to say that I couldn't because I would be in college.

In this second, I thought, "God, don't you want me to go to Africa and help these people? All I want to do is serve you. Why isn't it working out?"

Last week, I picked up the book, "Kisses from Katie." It is Katie Davis' autobiography. Katie Davis was a typical high school senior girl. She had everything: a family, boyfriend, material goods. She was even crowned prom queen at her school. However, she felt called to Uganda. So, she dropped everything and followed that call. She is now living in Uganda, runs Amazima Ministries, adopted 14 children, and cares for widows and orphans all day long. Again, I thought, "God, why can't I do this? All I want is to serve you. I want to give all of myself and to make a difference in the lives of these people."

Today, in her book, I read, "We wanted to teach them [orphaned children] of Jesus who died for them, for all of us. I didn't believe it was possible to tell a child about the love of Christ without simultaneously showing her that love by feeding her, clothing her, inviting her in. If a child has never known what love is, how can we expect him to accept the love of his Savior until we first make that love tangible?"

And that is when it hit me. God doesn't want me to keep asking Him why I can't go to Africa or the Dominican Republic right now. He doesn't want me to keep wishing for the future - for when I'm done with college, pass my nursing boards, get some experience, and finally move to a third world country. No, He wants me to love now. Sometimes the people in America seem fake, materialistic, and pathetic. But, just because they have material goods, that doesn't mean they understand God's love any more than an orphaned child in Africa.

I am not in a third world country right now because God wants me here.

Romans 12:1 says, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship."

God wants my life. He wants my heart, attitudes, goals, hopes, dreams. He wants me to offer my life to Him - for His will and not mine. My will is to drop everything and move to a third world country. His will is for me to be patient and to go to college like He provided. My will is to go embrace people of a different culture and leave behind all the fakeness of my own. His will is for me to be a light and to love here. My will is to skip all of His plans for me now and to go to the future. His will is for me to grow more like His Son.

The Bible doesn't talk very much about Jesus' life growing up and before ministry. But, I have to believe that He wasn't constantly asking God, "Why can't I perform miracles now?" He focused on His Father and did God's will. I want to be like Jesus. I want to love without restraint. I want to spend each waking hour constantly listening to the will of God. I want to come home breathless and exhausted because I took time out of my busy schedule to love people - the people around me now.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." ~1 Corinthians 13: 4-7~

Love is listening to a junior high girl at youth group talk about her cello lessons and the new song she is learning, and actually caring. Love is letting my 89-year-old great uncle tell me stories that don't quite make sense to me, but make sense to him. Love is picking up the pencil that my brother dropped while running out to catch his bus. Love is smiling at the young cashier at Wegmans who has her share of bad customers. Love is stopping to help a young mother at church by picking up the pacifier that her toddler spit out when I'm already late for service. Love is being open to the unexpected. Love is slowing down. Love is listening, teaching, helping, praying, weeping, laughing with the people all around.

I want to be accessible. I want to show God's love in a materialistic country where all the people are secretly hurting. I want to be real and transparent. I want to serve with all my heart right here and now. I want to be so full in Christ and service that I am content now - even in America. I'm not sure if God will ever call me to move to a third world country. But, I know that He is calling me to serve now. He wants me to show love to the people around me so that they will understand His perfect love. I'm not perfect. But, I am willing to serve with all my heart. Jesus saved my life. And he has been changing me ever since. I want to do His will for as long as I live. And, tomorrow is not guaranteed. As Christians, we are called to live like Christ. Christ spent time loving people. He lived each second for His Father's will. He sacrificed everything for us. Shouldn't we put down the checklists and goals long enough to listen to the Lord's leading? Shouldn't we love people for real instead of pretending we care?