I woke up that day and the world was spinning. Drums played on my skull.
Something had to change.
I had only been drinking for less than a year but it had spun me so far off a good path. I didn't even know how it had happened.
One drink turned into two. Two drinks turned into 7. Soon, I found myself downing sometimes as much as 9 margaritas at a time.
I drank when I was stressed. I drank when I was happy. I drank when I was bored. I drank for every occasion.
I didn't question it when my brother picked me up one night and I couldn't walk a straight line.
I didn't question it when my cousin and I started drinking at noon.
I didn't question it when I learned about how alcohol damages the body in my public health classes.
But, on that morning the day after thanksgiving in 2017, after drinking till 3am, I realized I had to change. This was not the path I wanted for myself or for the people around me.
I didn't know how hard it would be or how many tears would be shed. I didn't know that I would have to deal with so much underneath - all the reasons why I started drinking in the first place. But, I learned some surprising lessons.
1. People recover in different ways, using different tools. I hated AA. So, I only went once. But, I loved using an app on my phone to track days and taking walks when I had the urge to drink.
2. When I cut out one addiction, it became easier to see others in my life. I remember downing an entire bottle of sparkling grape juice one night and thinking, "This is not any better than the alcohol."
3. I found that some people you expect to support you...just don't. But, you can find people that do. Support comes from the most unlikely sources: a baby's smile, a sunrise, a kind gesture from someone at church.
4. It takes a long time to have urges decrease. I spent almost 6 months still wanting to drink every day.
5. Labels don't matter. Am I an alcoholic? And I not? Who defines such a thing? Labels can be great. But, they can also get in the way of healing.
6. I gained time. Without having to think about when I was going to drink next, I learned to channel my energy into new things. I started playing the piano again. I learned to bake without a recipe. I met new people.
7. I learned to value myself more. I didn't want to continue to hurt myself in new ways. I still struggle a lot, but I slowly have learned that I don't have to turn pain inward and destroy myself in the process. There are so many better ways of dealing with things.
8. Every day is a new chance to seek more shalom (wholeness) for my life and the lives of those around me.
9. It gets easier. I only think about drinking when I get stressed now, not every day.
10. I am worth more than how I treated myself when I was drinking.
Friday, November 23, 2018.
A year of recovery. A year of prioritizing healing. A year of a rollercoaster of emotions. A year of absolute chaos.
But, I made it. And now...onward.
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