10 Things I Learned During My First Year of Sobriety

Friday, November 23, 2017.

I woke up that day and the world was spinning. Drums played on my skull. 

Something had to change.

I had only been drinking for less than a year but it had spun me so far off a good path. I didn't even know how it had happened.

One drink turned into two. Two drinks turned into 7. Soon, I found myself downing sometimes as much as 9 margaritas at a time. 

I drank when I was stressed. I drank when I was happy. I drank when I was bored. I drank for every occasion. 

I didn't question it when my brother picked me up one night and I couldn't walk a straight line.

I didn't question it when my cousin and I started drinking at noon.

I didn't question it when I learned about how alcohol damages the body in my public health classes.

But, on that morning the day after thanksgiving in 2017, after drinking till 3am, I realized I had to change. This was not the path I wanted for myself or for the people around me.

I didn't know how hard it would be or how many tears would be shed. I didn't know that I would have to deal with so much underneath - all the reasons why I started drinking in the first place. But, I learned some surprising lessons. 

1. People recover in different ways, using different tools. I hated AA. So, I only went once. But, I loved using an app on my phone to track days and taking walks when I had the urge to drink.

2. When I cut out one addiction, it became easier to see others in my life. I remember downing an entire bottle of sparkling grape juice one night and thinking, "This is not any better than the alcohol."

3. I found that some people you expect to support you...just don't. But, you can find people that do. Support comes from the most unlikely sources: a baby's smile, a sunrise, a kind gesture from someone at church. 

4. It takes a long time to have urges decrease. I spent almost 6 months still wanting to drink every day.

5. Labels don't matter. Am I an alcoholic? And I not? Who defines such a thing? Labels can be great. But, they can also get in the way of healing.

6. I gained time. Without having to think about when I was going to drink next, I learned to channel my energy into new things. I started playing the piano again. I learned to bake without a recipe. I met new people.

7. I learned to value myself more. I didn't want to continue to hurt myself in new ways. I still struggle a lot, but I slowly have learned that I don't have to turn pain inward and destroy myself in the process. There are so many better ways of dealing with things.

8. Every day is a new chance to seek more shalom (wholeness) for my life and the lives of those around me. 

9. It gets easier. I only think about drinking when I get stressed now, not every day.

10. I am worth more than how I treated myself when I was drinking. 

Friday, November 23, 2018.

A year of recovery. A year of prioritizing healing. A year of a rollercoaster of emotions. A year of absolute chaos.

But, I made it. And now...onward.

http://www.fulcrumgallery.com/product-images/P817360-10/you-are-worth-more.jpg

The Greatest Commandments

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” ~ Matthew 22:36-40 ~

This semester has been quite a challenge. Through resurfacing health issues that I thought were resolved and the intensity of junior year in nursing school, I have found that things have not entirely gone as I have planned. I have struggled to understand how this could be. I've studied with everything inside of me. I have practically lived in tutoring and in doctor's offices. I've wrestled with the question, "God, I thought that your will was for me to be a nurse, but I find that it is a struggle for me to even find the energy to get up in the morning, let alone make it through every clinical day. How can this be your plan?"

The answer comes as a relief.

All that I require of you is to love Me with everything inside of you and to love others as well.

It definitely takes off the pressure. I try to put 100% into everything that I do. I strive for excellence. But at the end of the day, it is not about that effort. It is not about having a 4.0. It is not about being perfect.

Just love God and love others.

When I devote myself to Christ and His will for me, I am always amazed at how things fall into place. He seems to always give me enough energy at the right times. He rewards my efforts and blesses me immensely. 

I hope that my life is a reflection of Christ in me. I hope that through my weakness, others have been able to see Christ. As I head into my last two weeks of this semester, these words will stand as a reminder: 

My performance is not the evidence of my devotion to Christ. My heart is. And what reassuring words those are.

"...The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." ~ 1 Samuel 16:7

Trains. People. Stories.

I took a train for the first time this morning. So many people. So many stories that I will never know. How is it that I can know so few of these faces and yet be so impacted by them? People wandering through life. What are the things that make them hurt, laugh, love? Where are they going? Who are they meeting? So many stories. So many questions.

Community. We throw the word around so often that sometimes I think we forget what it means. Community is more than Sunday morning church where people flash fake smiles over donuts and coffee. True community happens through the weddings and funerals, good days and dark nights. Community means being okay with broken and unfinished stories. It means sitting with more questions than answers. It means being willing to wait with people through the long haul, even when change is slower than we hope for.

Community means grace. It means knowing when the answer is confrontation or comforting words. It means long letters and random walks at 1am. It means having a friend drive you to a train station in the middle of the night when an emergency calls you home. I have some people like this. People that know when to let me hide away in my room, scared of the darkness I see inside of my head. People that know when to say enough is enough...come away with us for a while. Community means sharing a piece of that brokenness with others, even when the vulnerability scares me. It means taking off that fake smile and showing something else...something authentic.

Authenticity is something that has been so foreign in my life. For years, I hid behind a laugh, an outgoing front. I didn't know how to show people the things that I really thought about myself, the things I've done to deal with brokenness. I thought that people would leave. Some do. But the good ones stay. The ones that choose to look beyond the brokenness to see a future unlike something I can imagine.

And on the dark days, these people can bring truth to the lies inside my mind. The lies tell me that I'm not good enough, that there is something inherently broken that can't be repaired inside of me. They tell me that I am damaged goods and no one could possibly understand the evil I've seen that I can't get out of my head. They whisper things in the dark of night that make me want to throw it all away sometimes. They scream at me, "Darkness will never get better. Light will never win. Give up. Run away. Shut out the world. Don't let them see. You are safer alone. People can't hurt you when you don't let them in." But, truth says that God can always bring redemption. That beauty comes from ashes. Light amidst pain. Hope for even the darkest of souls. That authenticity and vulnerability bring way to healing.

I think about all of the unspoken stories from the people on the train. What thoughts echo through the lady who sat next to me? The Amish family across the way? The man with his clothes in a grocery store bag and the bluetooth on his ear? Do they have people that will listen to their stories? Do they listen to the stories of others as well? I hope that they do. I hope that you do. And if you don't, hear when I say that I understand. Vulnerability is hard. But, we need people. We need stories. We need broken nights that turn into glorious sunrises. Without pain, we cannot know true joy. Without darkness, we cannot feel the beauty of light. Without sleepless nights, we cannot know the peace of a first good night in years, that slowly leads way to more. Slowly but surely, community is worth it. Authenticity is the first step.

Maybe there is nothing in these words. They will fade. They won't take away the brokenness inside of you. But maybe...just maybe...they will feel like rain falling on a thirsty soul. Maybe it will encourage you to share your story with even one person. Stories well up inside of us and demand to be told. Maybe 5 minutes later, 1 year later, or decades later. It's not too late to be vulnerable. It's not too late to share your burdens. Good people are not afraid of sharing burdens. Community means sharing your burden with others and picking up theirs as well.

Whatever your story holds, I believe you. I believe in you. I see your courage. I see your tears. I see your triumphs. You have a future. You have people that love you, people that would be lost without you. You are making a difference. Don't let the darkness win. There will be better days, just make sure you're here to see them.

Will You Cast the First Stone?

I want to publicly apologize for this blogpost. I wrote this almost 3 years ago and a lot has changed since then. My faith has grown. My thinking has gotten broader. I have listened to more stories of the people around me. I have learned that the kingdom of God is much more expansive and inclusive than I ever thought. I publicly affirm the LGBTQ+ community. I no longer believe that people in the LGTBQ+ community are sinning for being who they were created to be. We must all work to decrease the injustices that this community face. It is a problem that Christians should be on the front lines helping to fix. I apologize if this post hurt any of the people I love. I leave it up now, only as a testament to show that people can change. I have changed.

As I am sure that you have heard, Bruce Jenner has officially started his transition into becoming Caitlyn. I know there are lots of opinions being thrown around. Some people say that she is brave and courageous to finally be who she was made to be. Others say that he is a man and that he is disgusting trying to change that.

The truth is, I don't have all the answers.

I am not going to play God and say that I know exactly what is right and wrong. I'm not going to say that Bruce (Caitlyn) Jenner is crazy and delusional. I'm not going to say that he (she) was born that way or not. I don't know. There is scientific evidence on both sides. I also don't know enough to say one way or the other. I don't know whether Bruce (Caitlyn) just wants attention. I don't know whether Bruce (Caitlyn) is just trying to find his (her) place in the world. All of this controversy makes me think. If I had a child someday who came to me and said that they were transgender, what would I say?

"I love you. And that will never change."

I would then tell them of all the pain in this world. I would share with them stories from my life and how I have struggled to cope with pain. Depression. Cutting. Eating disorders. Feelings of loss. Lonely thoughts. Suicide. These would all be topics that I would share with them. I have never struggled with being gay or transgender. But, I do know what it feels like to be out of place. I know how it is to look around the world and wish that you were "normal." But, normal is overrated.

1 Peter 2:9 says, "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."

I am not "normal." I am chosen. Jesus has saved me. He has rescued me. He has given me a purpose and a reason. He has made me to praise Him to the end of my days and beyond. That is my identity. That is your identity if you choose it. I have struggled with this a lot. Is my identity in my depression? Cutting? Eating disorders? Is my identity in my looks? Family? Profession? No. The answer cannot possibly be yes. We live in a mixed up world. We do not belong here. We belong with Jesus in Heaven. We are created on this earth for a specific purpose. We are to glorify God and lead others to Him. However, for as long as we are on this earth, we will struggle. We will feel out of place. We can only get through it if our feet are on solid ground, if our identities are in Christ.

"For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority" (Colossians 2:9-10)

In Christ, we are full. We don't need to wrestle with our identities. If my child told me that they were transgender, I would tell them to lean on Christ. I would encourage them to pour through Scripture and discover how loved they are by their Creator, who doesn't make any mistakes. Their pain may not go away. They may always struggle with feelings of being another gender. But, I would encourage them to rely on Christ to not give into sin.

Romans 6:6 says, "For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin."

I believe that our bodies can trick us. We live in a sinful world. Sometimes we long for relief and, in the process, fall into the trap of sexual sins. And, from what I have studied in Scripture, I do believe that acting on gay or transgender tendencies is wrong. I also believe that it would be wrong for a straight couple to have sex outside of marriage. These issues are one and the same. I don't understand why it is always wrong to act on gay or transgender feelings and okay to act on heterosexual attractions in marriage. It's easy to wish that all people could just be happy, regardless of who they love. That is where I have to trust God that He knows best. But, I will not slam people who struggle with gay or transgender feelings. I make a lot of mistakes. I sin all of the time. I do not believe that being gay or transgender is the ultimate sin. Regardless of what sins we make, Christ calls us to be crucified in our sinful desires so that we will be free.

The truth is, when we try so desperately to fit into this world, we become chained, in our pain, to sin.

Satan knows this. He wants us to destroy ourselves in the process. But, Jesus came to set us free. He came to adopt us as sons and daughters of the King. Jesus came to love and not condemn. He came to show us His perfect will. I may not understand why Bruce (Caitlyn) must struggle with feeling like a woman. And, if my child struggled with being transgender, I wouldn't understand why either. In fact, I would do anything to take their pain away. But, I have faith that Christ has a bigger plan. My job is not to condemn. My job is to love, to point them to truth, and to pray without ceasing. I will not cast the first stone of hatred at a hurting person. I will not make someone feel worthless because of their struggles. I would not want someone to trivialize my pain with senseless statements like, "He (she) just wants attention. He (she) is going to hell. He (she) should be ashamed."

Only love today. Only love today because Jesus, in His glorious mercy and grace, loved me first.

I will not cast the first stone. Will you?

Beautiful Things

As I read more and more about Jesus' ministry, I am overwhelmed by His compassion and mercy for the lost. He spent every second loving people. He understood their pains, struggles, and heartbreaks. One of my favorite examples of this compassion is Jesus' interaction with the bleeding woman.

For 12 agonizing years, this woman bled. She was considered unclean and unworthy. She had spent all of her money going from doctor to doctor, but no one could help her. Because she was considered unclean, she could not touch another person or be touched by them. She had not been given a hug by a friend (if she had any at this point) for 12 years! And then, when she had about given up, she hears of a man who has healed many people. She feels a soft glimmer of hope arise inside.

Maybe. Just maybe this was her chance. 

I can imagine her desperately slipping through the crowd to get to Jesus. I just think I could understand what her heart might have been like. She was fearful. She had been pushed aside for so long. She just wanted someone to see her, hear her, and hold her. She wanted so much to be free of her brokenness, endless tears, and sleepless nights. Timidly, she kneels down to touch the hem of His cloak. She's so eager for hope but so terrified of rejection. This was her last chance. If this didn't work, then what? She's playing out possible scenarios in her mind. But in this instant, her faith wins out. She touches his cloak. Immediately, she is healed.

Now, Jesus had tons of people all around Him. At that very moment, He was on His way to heal a young girl - someone's daughter, sister, and friend. And yet, He stops. Even though the woman is physically healed, she is still broken and hurting emotionally and mentally. He cannot let her troubled soul pass on untouched. I can picture Him getting down on His knees. He sees her heart. He hears her story. He holds her close. He frees her like no one else could. 

"Daughter, take courage; your faith has made you well." (Matthew 9:22)

I feel her pain. I am the lost. I am the broken. I need Jesus every day, every hour, every second. I need Him just to keep breathing. My reliance on Jesus must be never ending. Without Him, I am hopeless. Time and time again, He picks me up. He holds me close. He sees me, hears me, and frees me. 

I know you feel broken sometimes, too. Maybe you are struggling to hold on and you have no idea how to get through this day. You're a mother with one too many children screaming in the backseat. You're a student who just failed a test. You're a husband struggling to provide. You're a pastor who is burdened by the weight of a congregation of hurting people. You have a past that threatens to destroy you. You feel the guilt from mistakes that you made when you weren't thinking. You carry the weight of terrible things done to you. You have no idea how to move on. I understand. But, just like you, I have no idea how to make it all better.

But, I do know this: We desperately need Jesus. And, He desperately wants to help us.

Lean on Him. It's okay to not have it all figured out. It's okay to struggle. And, if you feel like there is no hope, I've been there. But, you will find your way. You will see the hope. Jesus makes beautiful things out of the dust. Our lives may be broken. But, He is the healer. And, as we experience glimpses of freedom in Christ, we can then show compassion to others. We can show them that even in their brokenness, they are beautiful too.

In Loving Memory of My Grandma Elsie

Grandma holding me at her apartment when I was little.

“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited...And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.” - Lemony Snicket

Grandma holding Ella.

My Grandma Elsie died on June 11, 2014. She died almost 2 weeks after my high school graduation. Yesterday would have been her 89th birthday. I miss her so much. I spent the last 48 hours of her life at her side in hospice. I held her hand. I combed her hair. I sat with her. I cried, laughed, shared memories with other family members, and sometimes just sat still thinking. I was there when she took her last breathe.

Grandma and I at my piano recital.

Sometimes I am still in shock. I don't understand. I think about all the things she'll miss - my college graduation, my wedding, her grandchildren, and so many more memories. I wonder why. She looked so good at my graduation. She was so happy. She loved every second. And all of a sudden, she had a stroke. She was paralyzed on her left side. She couldn't talk. It doesn't seem fair. But then, I remember a miracle that happened when she was in the hospital.

When Grandma Elsie was in the ICU, my brother asked to talk to her alone. We all knew that she wasn't a Christian. And, he wanted to talk to her about Jesus. I don't know what he said. I just know that afterward he felt at peace and that she was going to go to Heaven.

Grandma,  Nicky and I

The next day, our Pastor came to see her in the hospital. He talked to her about Jesus again. At one point, He asked her, "Elsie, do you trust Jesus?" And, she did something that I will never forget as long as I live. She couldn't speak. She couldn't open her eyes. And yet, she nodded. She nodded that she trusted Jesus. In a cold hospital room, with all the cards stacked against her, she finally understood her need for Jesus.

Grandma and I at her 85th birthday party.

I was angry. I thought life was unfair. I just didn't understand why she died so suddenly. But, now I realize, God gave her grace that day. He didn't let her die all alone from the stroke. He gave her an extra week to be with us before she died. He didn't let her die in excruciating agony. He gave her a kind nurse in her final hours to give her medicine for the pain. But most importantly, He gave her a last chance to accept His Son. He loved her so much that He sent His only Son to die for her so that she could go to Heaven. And, He gave us peace and the chance to know for sure where she went when she died. It's absolutely amazing to me.

I miss my Grandma Elsie every day. I'm sure I will always miss her although the pain will fade in time. But, I know because of Ecclesiastes 3:1-4, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance." I can look forward to the day where I walk into Heaven's gates and see her shining face looking back at me. I can't wait to tell her all about the way God used me the rest of the my life. And most of all, I am excited to stand beside her and praise God together. I can only imagine what that will be like.

Grandma and I at my high school graduation.

For My Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

I don't know who you are. Maybe I know you already or maybe we have not met yet. Sometimes waiting can seem like forever. I hope that you are being patient and waiting for me as well. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Sometimes it is hard to trust in a God that I can't see. But, I know this verse is true.

You should know. Sometimes I have a hard time getting up in the morning. But, tea can make it all better (English breakfast tea is my favorite). I love to read and write. However, math is sometimes my enemy. There will be days where I will want to go out with our friends or walk around town. There will be other days where I will need a break from people and will want to stay home. Sometimes it is a struggle - this personality between extrovert and introvert. However, I love helping people. I'm going to nursing school because I want to show God's love to others, even in the darkest of times.

Love. It is more than a feeling. It is the act of every day selflessly giving to others. In a marriage, this selfless love will be tested all the time. We are sinful human beings. We need God to help us in this endeavor. As my future husband, I hope that you will (in God's strength) lead me and our family in this selfless love. You don't have to perfect. I won't be perfect. But, we will become one in this selfless process. It requires both of us to submit to God daily so that we can be selfless to each other.

Children. I pray that you will help me raise our children in the ways of the Lord. I want our kids to know that they are unconditionally loved - by us and their Creator. Psalm 139:14 says, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." They are precious. They are gifts. There will be days when our patience is fried. There will be days when we will want to raise our voices and say vicious things, even if we don't really mean them. Please keep me accountable and I will do the same to you. I don't want yelling in our house. It does no good. Words have so much power. Angry/demeaning words can leave so many scars. Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." However, uplifting/caring words can bring hope and change. I have had a dream since I was young to adopt. I would love to adopt children who are in great need, like from foster care. I would also like to have biological children. If we were to do these two things, we will have to be very careful with our words. Of course, I know that God's plan is perfect. And, that brings me to my next point...

Pray. Prayer is more powerful than we will ever know. It is our chance to talk to the God of the universe. How amazing is that? Romans 12:12 says, "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Please pray with me and for me as I do the same. In every circumstance, we should pray first: during/after our wedding, through new jobs, rough days, children, at night, in the morning, on the phone, through deaths, for others, at church, and so much more. I want to see a revival in myself and the people around me and I believe that starts with prayer. Our marriage will struggle if we don't put God first. Let's pray before that happens.

Gentleness. I believe that there are times for strength and righteous anger. However, often the strength of a Godly man is shown through gentleness. The truth is, we are different for a reason. As a woman, I need a husband who will protect me physically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually. That doesn't mean I am weak. There is a difference. However, God knows this need for gentleness. He displays it in the way He comforts widows and welcomes children.

Convictions. We will each have our convictions. We may agree on some and not on others. However, it is important to not ask each other to compromise our convictions, within reason. For example, I am striving to live a pure life, in Christ. I will not compromise that. And, I pray that this is a conviction that we will both have as followers of Christ. Another example of a conviction that I have is drinking. I will not drink underage. It is a personal conviction and believe that God is calling me to it. Sometimes each other's convictions will seem silly. However, I believe it is important to help each other stand in them through Jesus.

Identity. Our identities should never be found in each other. Our identities should be in the Lord at all times. It has been a struggle for me to place my identity in God instead of others. However, the more I lean on God and trust Him with my identity and heart, the more I find peace in His arms. I pray that you will remind me when I forget that my identity is found in Christ, as is yours.

Taken from http://www.happywivesclub.com/successful-marriage-2/

Above all, Christ must be first. You will not be able to love me unless you love God with all of your heart. I know that we hear that all the time in church. However, it is so true. Right now, I am not ready to get married. I know that because there are days when Christ is not first in my priorities, decisions, dreams, and thoughts. We will never be perfect. However, it is a process of putting God first - a daily surrender. If we are not both daily surrendering to Christ, we will not be unified in marriage. It is just that simple.

Wherever you are, I'm praying for you. It doesn't matter where you've been. It doesn't matter what you've done.  It doesn't matter if I meet you next week or 10 years from now. God will bring us together. For now, I will continue to wait and be patient.

Love, Jenna