The Greatest Commandments

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” ~ Matthew 22:36-40 ~

This semester has been quite a challenge. Through resurfacing health issues that I thought were resolved and the intensity of junior year in nursing school, I have found that things have not entirely gone as I have planned. I have struggled to understand how this could be. I've studied with everything inside of me. I have practically lived in tutoring and in doctor's offices. I've wrestled with the question, "God, I thought that your will was for me to be a nurse, but I find that it is a struggle for me to even find the energy to get up in the morning, let alone make it through every clinical day. How can this be your plan?"

The answer comes as a relief.

All that I require of you is to love Me with everything inside of you and to love others as well.

It definitely takes off the pressure. I try to put 100% into everything that I do. I strive for excellence. But at the end of the day, it is not about that effort. It is not about having a 4.0. It is not about being perfect.

Just love God and love others.

When I devote myself to Christ and His will for me, I am always amazed at how things fall into place. He seems to always give me enough energy at the right times. He rewards my efforts and blesses me immensely. 

I hope that my life is a reflection of Christ in me. I hope that through my weakness, others have been able to see Christ. As I head into my last two weeks of this semester, these words will stand as a reminder: 

My performance is not the evidence of my devotion to Christ. My heart is. And what reassuring words those are.

"...The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." ~ 1 Samuel 16:7

Trains. People. Stories.

I took a train for the first time this morning. So many people. So many stories that I will never know. How is it that I can know so few of these faces and yet be so impacted by them? People wandering through life. What are the things that make them hurt, laugh, love? Where are they going? Who are they meeting? So many stories. So many questions.

Community. We throw the word around so often that sometimes I think we forget what it means. Community is more than Sunday morning church where people flash fake smiles over donuts and coffee. True community happens through the weddings and funerals, good days and dark nights. Community means being okay with broken and unfinished stories. It means sitting with more questions than answers. It means being willing to wait with people through the long haul, even when change is slower than we hope for.

Community means grace. It means knowing when the answer is confrontation or comforting words. It means long letters and random walks at 1am. It means having a friend drive you to a train station in the middle of the night when an emergency calls you home. I have some people like this. People that know when to let me hide away in my room, scared of the darkness I see inside of my head. People that know when to say enough is enough...come away with us for a while. Community means sharing a piece of that brokenness with others, even when the vulnerability scares me. It means taking off that fake smile and showing something else...something authentic.

Authenticity is something that has been so foreign in my life. For years, I hid behind a laugh, an outgoing front. I didn't know how to show people the things that I really thought about myself, the things I've done to deal with brokenness. I thought that people would leave. Some do. But the good ones stay. The ones that choose to look beyond the brokenness to see a future unlike something I can imagine.

And on the dark days, these people can bring truth to the lies inside my mind. The lies tell me that I'm not good enough, that there is something inherently broken that can't be repaired inside of me. They tell me that I am damaged goods and no one could possibly understand the evil I've seen that I can't get out of my head. They whisper things in the dark of night that make me want to throw it all away sometimes. They scream at me, "Darkness will never get better. Light will never win. Give up. Run away. Shut out the world. Don't let them see. You are safer alone. People can't hurt you when you don't let them in." But, truth says that God can always bring redemption. That beauty comes from ashes. Light amidst pain. Hope for even the darkest of souls. That authenticity and vulnerability bring way to healing.

I think about all of the unspoken stories from the people on the train. What thoughts echo through the lady who sat next to me? The Amish family across the way? The man with his clothes in a grocery store bag and the bluetooth on his ear? Do they have people that will listen to their stories? Do they listen to the stories of others as well? I hope that they do. I hope that you do. And if you don't, hear when I say that I understand. Vulnerability is hard. But, we need people. We need stories. We need broken nights that turn into glorious sunrises. Without pain, we cannot know true joy. Without darkness, we cannot feel the beauty of light. Without sleepless nights, we cannot know the peace of a first good night in years, that slowly leads way to more. Slowly but surely, community is worth it. Authenticity is the first step.

Maybe there is nothing in these words. They will fade. They won't take away the brokenness inside of you. But maybe...just maybe...they will feel like rain falling on a thirsty soul. Maybe it will encourage you to share your story with even one person. Stories well up inside of us and demand to be told. Maybe 5 minutes later, 1 year later, or decades later. It's not too late to be vulnerable. It's not too late to share your burdens. Good people are not afraid of sharing burdens. Community means sharing your burden with others and picking up theirs as well.

Whatever your story holds, I believe you. I believe in you. I see your courage. I see your tears. I see your triumphs. You have a future. You have people that love you, people that would be lost without you. You are making a difference. Don't let the darkness win. There will be better days, just make sure you're here to see them.