Have you ever walked into a church and felt unwanted? Judged? Ignored? Unwelcome? I have. Unfortunately, I think that is one of the main things that turns a person away from Christianity. I'm not here to name names. I'm not here to make someone feel bad. I'm not talking about anyone in particular. I'm just going to share how I almost walked away from my faith in the hopes that it might help someone who's questioning hang on for just a little bit longer.
I grew up in a Christian home. I knew all of the answers. I knew how to play the part. In my soul, I wanted to be a Christian. And, I was. God was my everything. But, as the years went on, I felt lost and I didn't know if this faith was worth it anymore.
I had my struggles. I had my secrets. I did a lot of things that I was/am not proud of. I was broken and hurting. I didn't understand why I didn't feel the "peace that surpasses all understanding." I looked around the church and I felt so small. Why couldn't I be a normal Christian teen? Why couldn't I have it all together like everyone around me? Why did I have to be the weird one? I looked at the smiles of people who lifted their hands in every circumstance and I wondered why I was the only one who sometimes felt God far away.
I met many Christians over the years. Some Christians were real. But most of these Christians only pretended to care about me. They were more interested in gossipping in the name of prayer than helping a sister in Christ. Eventually, I realized that I didn't want to be one of these "Christians." I hated the fakeness. Sure, I knew that some people were real. But, I found that they were few and far between.
I got to the point where I told someone that I was about ready to walk away from the faith altogether. This person encouraged me to surround myself with people who were real. This person reminded me that everyone has struggles, no matter how they appear on the surface.
"Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade"
"Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns
I got to the point where I didn't think of myself as a believer. I knew God existed. But, I didn't trust His love. I felt too far gone. I also knew that I had done so many things wrong in my life. And no matter what I did, it felt impossible to change. No matter how many times I prayed to God to take away my burdens, it seemed He wasn't there.
I was so angry and bitter. I hated God. I didn't realize I hated God. I would have never said that. But, that's what was in my heart.
I went to Flower City Workcamp over Spring Break 2014. I can't even tell you how it happened. But, throughout the course of the week, God started to break down my walls. All the pain that I had hid for so long, He started to heal. I started to be able to trust Him. I didn't have to hide it anymore. I had a God who cared. And He's changed my life.
No one's perfect. Sometimes life is hard. But, I have a God who was tortured and died for me. If I keep trying to fight the imperfections of this world on my own, I'm rejecting His sacrifice. The truth is, I would be nothing without Him. Without Him, I fell into a pit of despair. I tried things to take away the pain that did nothing but hurt me more. I was fading. I had no hope.
The truth is, God rescued me from myself. He broke the chains that threatened to tear me apart.
We all have doubts and secrets. We're not perfect. It takes courage to place your trust in a God you can't see. It can be hard if you think you are the only one struggling. But let me tell you, you are not the only one struggling behind closed doors. It can be hard to want to be a follower Christ if you feel rejected by other Christians. But Jesus is not a Christian. Let me say that again. Jesus is not the same person as the Christian who bullied you, the Christian who was a hypocrite, the Christian who played the holy sinner. Jesus is perfect. He is everything you're looking for. Don't judge Him because of the imperfections you see in this world. We're all just trying to find our place. And the only way you're going to find peace is through Jesus.
Maybe you feel lost. Hopeless. Unwanted. Alone. Stupid. Worthless. But, God loves you more than you can imagine. He wants to know your hopes, dreams, secrets, pain. He wants you to come to Him and find rest.
You're never too far gone for Jesus to save you.
I wish I could say that my life is perfect now. I wish I could say that I never worry anymore, never stress, never cry alone behind closed doors, never have sleepless nights. But, that would be a lie. When you become a Christian, your life isn't magically perfect. But, you are perfected daily through Jesus in your attitudes and reactions to the imperfect world around you. It's a process. A slow and sometimes painful process. God chisels you into a new creation - someone who can be a light to the people around you. We will never be perfect in this life. But, through a willing heart of an imperfect person, Christ is glorified.
It's by God's grace that you are saved.
If you're searching for hope, don't shun Jesus because you feel too far gone. He is more powerful than you could ever imagine. Nothing is impossible with God. Don't shun Jesus just because you don't like the hypocrisy in the church. The reality is that every Christian needs to be revived by Jesus. We need to be revived daily. We can't do anything on our own. No matter if you've been a Christian for 30 years or are just starting to learn about it, Jesus wants to revive you. He wants to give you hope. He wants to mold you into the person He wants you to be. And, in the process, He wants to fuel you so that you can help others.
Will you let Him in?
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